Edward Feels Sexy
by TwilitisVictim
Summary: This is what happens when Edward feels ferocious. WARNING: Do not read if you are Team Leech. Co-written by my friend Jo. One-shot


One day Edward was feeling sexy so he put on some purple sweat pants and flexed his butt muscles until they were sore. When they were so sore that he had to sit down, he sat in the living room upon thy couch-ith. Now normally Edward friggin' hates TV about as much as he'd like to make sweet, sweet love to Mike Newton but this time it was different…anyways his butt muscles were doing a little happy dance so he decided to get nice and comfy. He flicked on the TV and was surfing through the channels ferociously when he came upon channel 2347890217-Nick Jr. There was a ferocious little Mexican on the screen doing a happy dance like his butt muscles. She was shouting something in Swedish. Edward was too stupid to know what the hell was going on so he just sat there and reveled in her beauty. Her sexy bowl-cut, freakishly big brown eyes, and retard ability to talk to inanimate objects made him want to grow a moustache, rip it off, and wipe his happy butt muscles with it vigorously. He did…...

Suddenly Jacob walked in, butt-I mean but Edward was too busy scrubbing his ass with his spontaneously grown and ripped off facial hair to notice. Jacob was drunk so he could care less; alls he wanted was some mayo to slather on Bella's toenail fluff………….ferociously **((oh c'mon it just had to be said lolz)) **

Dora on the screen had switched from Swedish to Polish while Jacob started making out with some peanut butter filled lamps made of taffy. "HINGA DINGA F*CKING DURGEN YOU B*TCHES ************ CAT************ SOUP*************** CHEESECAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh c'mon you guys! Don't you watch South Park?"

Yelled Dora ferociously from the TV screen. Edward's moustache had been rubbed into oblivion so he decided to just keep on being dazzled by sexy Dora. On screen Dora pulled out a ridiculously heavy book and started reading it…..ferociously…..in Norwegian …

Jacob was ferociously humping the bedposts up in Rosalie and Emmett's room when Bella appeared out of a black hole created by Chuck Norris.

"Goddamnit Jacob where' my fricking mayo for my toenail fluff?!?!?!" Bella screamed (also ferociously)

" Well maybe you should ask that leech you love so much down there!!! I'm sure he knows where to keep the mayonnaise! God, he should be sued for pure gayness!!!!!!!"

"Wow your right….oh crap the author just got writers block…how the hell do you even get a writer's block for randomness anyways? F*cking retard! Now the rest of the story except for the last line will be horrible! So randomly stupid, it's not even funny!!!"

"Yeah…smart people talk. Jakey does not understand. Soooo…………..wanna make sweet, sweet love to Mike Newton with me?"

"Hell yes!!! Who wouldn't want to make sweet, sweet love to the author's poor abused plot device?"

" Jacob still does not understand your words but who really gives a chicken sh*t?"

" Wow, Jacob you're so stupid. The only thing that's funny about you in this fic is that you cuss in random places, and that you're drunk."

" Oh yeah!!! Get me some more of that ferocious whiskey baby!!!"

Downstairs Edward was still trying to understand what his love Dora was saying. She put down Breaking Dawn **((in case you hadn't figured out what she was reading…ridiculously long book remember?)) **and smiled seductively at Edward. Then, she made sweet, sweet love to your mother. Yes that's right. You right now reading this story-Dora just made sweet, sweet love to YOUR mother. Oh yeah granny! You knit that scarf! Oh yeahhhhh. Woah, watch where you point those knittin' needles grandma!!!................................sorry retarded inside joke with my BFF Jo who is sitting right next to me…anyways I'm just gonna get back to the story….well my writer's block is being quite ferocious right now so I'm actually just going to give you an epilogue thingymabober so here goes nothing: Jacob and Bella lived a happy, ferocious life together and Mike Newton died in a hole O_o

So the moral of the story is this: When Edward feels sexy, he watches Dora. When Dora feels sexy, she reads Breaking Dawn. Oh yeah, chew on that Team Edwards**.**

**Oooookay, so that wasn't meant to insult anyone in any manner unless of course you are Team Edward…actually in that case I have no idea why the hell you're reading my stories in the first place…oh and sorry for the random cussing. I've been hanging around Paul too much. **


End file.
